I’m sitting in my living room while listening to the 10 Hr Seamless edit of Intro by The XX and found myself getting into a groove. Right now I’m working on a parts of La Orden as well as a short story I’m considering submitting to an erotica site. It made me think about how my love of erotica came to be. Then I thought it might be fun to write a little post about it, if for no other reason than our amusement.
I Probably Shouldn’t Have Seen That
Here’s a quick story from when I was a little girl. Hopefully none of my family is reading this, but I guess that’s the risk of blogging. Oh well!
When I was about 9, I spent a lot of time at my grandmother’s house. I have an uncle pretty who is pretty young, only a little more than a decade older than I am. You know how guys are at that age. . .always into the porn and stuff. One day he made the mistake of leaving some porn in the VCR. Me, being my wonderfully curious self, decided to turn it on.
Oh, I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I wanted to know what was on the tape. I had to know. It was like fate converging on me, ordering me to fulfill my smutty destiny.
Fearful of being caught, yet determined to see the treasures of the video, I pressed play.
That’s when I saw it. There was this lady, sucking on a man’s. . .Hot dog? I didn’t know what the Hell it was. I hadn’t had The Talk at that point. The guy seemed to really enjoy whatever was going on.
I turned it off quickly. Continuing could have proven dangerous. I couldn’t get caught.
But, truth be told, I wasn’t the brightest kid. I wound up confessing to my grandmother in a round about way. You know, the old “Ooooh! Such and such left a weird movie in the VCR and I saw it and it wasn’t supposed to be there!!!!”
Luckily, I didn’t turn out to be a freaking narc later in life.
The video itself, however, led me down a very slippery slope.
Once You Start You Can’t Stop. . .Researching
Every chance I got, I managed to get my hands on that video. I studied it. Thought about it. Tried to piece what the f**k I was watching together in my young mind. Even then, it was kind of arousing, but I was looking at it more with a clinical mind. Why did this feel good, or why would you put that there?
I couldn’t really ask the questions. My mom and I didn’t talk about that kind of stuff back then, so I kept my questions to myself and waited until the day answers would come.
I’m surprised the movies didn’t exactly shape my ideas of sex. I mean, Debbie Does Dallas doesn’t do much for Women’s causes, so to speak. I know there are a lot of women who think porn is degrading to women. At the time, though, porn kind of made me think less of men. To me it seemed like they’d do anything to slip into a pair of open legs, which seemed pretty stupid when they obviously could get a similar thrill from their own hands.
This porn-watching trend lasted well into my teens. My mom had a couple of movies of her own that I dissected. My mom’s boyfriend commandeered a whole box of adult magazines left out on the streets near our apartment, so I read through quite a few of those. I borrowed a copy of My Secret Garden from a friend. Yep, my formative years were filled with smut, smut, smut.
It wasn’t until the Internet that I started writing my own naughty stories.
Feeding into the Habit
I’ll admit I was (am) a total Internet junkie. Who needs TV, books, and video games when you have the whole world waiting at your fingertips? Back in my late teens/early twenties, I spent a lot of time there. At that point, I was basically living the life of a house-wife. I took care of the home and the kids (my little brothers, mind you. I have no kids of my own. Thank goodness!). Because of this, I became pretty lonely. All my friends were out living life, but I had to put mine on hold. Therefore, I wound up in front of a computer as an outlet. You know, trying to clutch onto a little bit of the outside world.
It sucked, yet it wound up bringing something in me out that probably would have never blossomed otherwise.
I wound up making some really cool online friends. Eventually, I even married one!
For a number of years, a few of us wound up playing an forum RPG. It started off innocently enough. Just a normal urban dark fantasy game. Lots of fun for all.
I was very hesitant to go along with it at first. I don’t get into new things easily because I’m always afraid I’m making a fool of myself. It took long time for me to get over myself. My embarrassment kept me from just going with the flow of it. It wasn’t until a friend finally got my character engaged in the game. Of course, eventually that engagement turned naughty.
Until those days I didn’t realize how hot words could be. I also found writing them rather easy. For me there was something decadent about erotic writing. Real life sex is a lot of fun and I enjoy it immensely, but writing about sexual exploits of fictional characters is highly fulfilling. You can do what you want and have it the way you want it.
It was probably a few months into the forum RPG’s adventures before I started venturing out on my own stories. Some of the stories branched out from branched out from game scenarios. For example, one of my stories, The Last Fae, is based on my very first character (who was kind of based off of me) and my husband’s character. Eventually, I moved on to more original stories.
A Home for Erotica
Just because I started writing erotica, doesn’t mean I was proud about it at first. Normally, I’m not too shy, but when it came to actually have people read my writing. . .Well, it was an emotional challenge.
I started off simply by posting some stuff to Literotica. Ah, Literotica is a great site. All the sexy stories a mind can handle.
I posted my first totally original erotic story there–a dark tale titled “Sacrifice.” I admit I had a lot of fun writing it and I even submitted it to a contest on the site. That’s really what got me started. I didn’t win the cash, but I did win in they way of creative fervor.
Eventually, I found myself writing up a storm and submitting new tales rather frequently. My incomplete series “Bought” did pretty well, but I stop posting because I think it needed a serious rewrite, which I started a couple of years ago. I also wrote a couple of stories I’m not proud of which were only to get ratings. Those tales fell into a category I actually didn’t enjoy. Oddly enough, those were the ones most people read.
Taking a Chance on Myself
I honestly didn’t think I was a very good writer. I think it’s a failing of most artists to compare his or her work to the world’s instead of what you can do on your own merit. Of course, I did get reamed in a review of one of my first poorly written, and unedited stories.
Instead of wallowing about how much I sucked, I sucked it up. Most of my stories were pretty short back then, except one. Decontamination. Decontamination was unlike any of my other stories. Normally I lean towards dark or urban fantasy, but this one was sci-fi erotica. I worked on it for weeks, weaving a tale about a distant future earth almost destroyed by otherworldly creatures. It ultimately involved oppression and love and alien hybrid sex.
I was really proud of the story. I worked hard and loved doing it and I wanted to see if I could get it out there. I submitted it to a online publisher, eXcessica. It was all pins and needles until I heard back from them. I filled my head with doubt and self-rejection. A horrible mess.
But they saw things differently there. The story was good and I got accepted.
I couldn’t believe it. People liked my story. I found it absolutely amazing.
The road after acceptance was a little rough. I had never been through the editing process before then and it wound up being totally overwhelming for me. I couldn’t tell if my editor was trying to help or if he/she thought I was kind of dumb. And then there was the self promotion thing, which I was totally inexperienced with.
Whew. . .it was a long road.
“Decontamination” remained listed for about 18 months or so, but since it wasn’t terribly popular, it was taken down. No hard feelings, naturally. No point in keeping something around that’s not working. I did manage to make some money off the book, so I was proud of myself!
The Final Words and a New Beginning
I fell out of writing for a couple of years. Somewhere along the line I lost my passion. I tried to revive it a few times, mostly through blogging. But then I felt discouraged about blogging, so I stopped that as well.
I couldn’t figure out why blogging was so hard. Then I realized I was focusing on one thing only: being an erotica author. Since I wasn’t publishing any new works, I felt it was pointless. So I stopped writing completely.
Deep down, I still wanted to write. I loved erotica, but I had given up on myself.
A few months ago, I realized that being a writer isn’t about being published. It’s about enjoying what you do. So I decided to get back into blogging and writing, but this time as just EricaB and not E.D. Beale, author. Erotica is more than a job for me. It’s a passion and a hobby–one I should have never given up. And I intend to stick with it this time. No pressure. Just fun and delights. Just EricaB.